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You, ma’am, are no Genoa Petrol!

Dear Mr Shaw,

I am writing to inquiry about a position as Blogging Assistant. I am a fan of your work on the Bloodhound Blog; your piece on the bananas was pure genius. I believe I would add value to your blogging enterprise, and it would be an honor to work under your tutelage.

By way of background, I too used to contribute to the Bloodhound Blog. My tenure was cut short when some “Geno Petro” guy showed up. My spell checker says his name is really Genoa Petrol, but I don’t think that’s right. Anway, he knows books, he knows pop culture, and he can certainly turn a phrase. He even uses colons!

While I have no real writing training (I have admittedly never enjoyed formal instruction in the liberal arts beyond the requisite How to Write in Nearly Complete Sentences college course where, I am proud to say, I received a passing grade), I did take an English and American Literature class in high school. (Yes, my school combined the two; this allowed time in the schedule for Home Economics and Making Fire 101.) It was there that I was required to suffer through read Jane Eyre and the Grapes of Wrath. I finished both, although I found the latter unsettling and eerily biographical. Oh, and the Latin I know comes entirely from the back of a dollar bill.

So, I am seeking a position with the potential for upward mobility, as I find I have none at my current position.  I believe that I can turn my “negatives” in to “positives”; unshackled as I am by the encumbrances of any real credentials or talent, I can quickly embrace new approaches. Since a truly original idea has never come within two quarks of my brain, I am adaptable. Finally, I have good problem solving skills.

I do not come to you without references. As a blogger, I have received much praise on my own blog which boasts a current readership of three:

“Since it doesn’t take much to be a Realtor, your pool is full of monkeys.” – – Eric Estrada

“Most Realtors are lazy and uneducated. They will go away like other brokers as the web makes them obsolete.” – – Don Doerna

“Lady, do you want to eat Ramen for the next two years? Haven’t you heard? There is a CRASH happening before our very eyes. Get out of this industry. Your kids will love you for it.” – – RayNLA

As you may have inferred from these testimonials, when I am not blogging, I also dabble in real estate. Sometimes, I sell a home or two. I hear you sell some houses too. Therefore, you may find my current Real Estate Business Plan to be an excellent example of how I might assist in elevating your reputation as a blogger, seeing as you like to use pictures a lot:

business-plan-2.jpg

As a cautionary note, I may want to cut back on my hours once I have met my real estate goals. In the meantime, I look forward to hearing from you!

13 comments

13 Comments so far

  1. Todd Carpenter November 1st, 2007 12:02 pm

    novus ordo seclorum

  2. Kris Berg November 1st, 2007 12:24 pm

    You leave my seclorum out of this, Mr. Double Entendre!

  3. Brian Wilson November 1st, 2007 1:14 pm

    This, dear Kris, is pure comedic gold. If a picture is worth a thousand words, the one you drew is worth at least five.

    Brian Wilson, Zolve.com

  4. Geno Petro November 1st, 2007 2:42 pm

    Hey Kris…I’m a Slippery Rock State College alumnus. Need I say more? If you didn’t teach yourself to write in that English Department, no one else was going to. And thank you for the mention and new moniker(name,…ha,ha). I can always find use for another alias.

    GP

  5. Michael Cook November 1st, 2007 4:08 pm

    Kris,

    If it makes you feel better the one, and only one, english class I took in college resulted in me getting D’s and F’s on every single paper I turned in. After about 50 rewrites the teacher took pity on me and gave me an A- for my effort. If you can read a Dollar Bill, your Latin is 5x as good as mine.
    At work I am blessed with two screens, so that I can open up dictionary.com while I read some of the posts here. Looks like Geno (and Greg) will only get read at work from now on.

  6. Derek November 2nd, 2007 7:25 am

    “While I have no real writing training (I have admittedly never enjoyed formal instruction in the liberal arts beyond the requisite How to Write in Nearly Complete Sentences college course where, I am proud to say, I received a passing grade), I did take an English and American Literature class in high school.”

    American Literature is more or less a middle school history class these days. I don’t recall much writing in that class except maybe a paragraph on each piece of work we had to read such as Uncle Tom’s Cabin and the Raven by Poe.

    Writing in English classes is shoddy. They teach structure which is nothing more than a tool to help your readers understand and follow what you have written. True writing on the other hand is about being able to communicate.

    As for as your writing efforts are concerned, 95% of what I am doing now with my book is re-writing. I think Nick Sparks said when he wrote the Notebook, his book was originally 30 pages or so longer than the published version.

  7. Kris Berg November 2nd, 2007 9:06 am

    I’m looking forward to your latest masterpiece, Derek!

  8. Eric Blackwell November 2nd, 2007 5:32 pm

    Kris;

    If Russell’s as sharp as I judge him to be…
    You, ma’am, while you’re no Genoa (we’ll leave his Petrol out of this…)should be hired for your humor and brilliance alone. English can be learnt…true wit it much more of a God given thing!

    Best!

    Eric

  9. Kris Berg November 2nd, 2007 8:43 pm

    Eric,

    Alas, I have still not heard from Russell. At the moment and by all appearances, I am still unemployed. Thank you for the confidence boost I needed to blog another day.

  10. Leesa November 6th, 2007 6:08 pm

    Oh my, the tears just keep coming from laughing so hard – absolutely brilliant!

  11. Kris Berg November 6th, 2007 8:16 pm

    Leesa, Nice to know someone is laughing at me. :) And, I thought Greg kept me around for the hard-hitting, in-depth industry analysis I bring.

  12. Doug Quance November 6th, 2007 9:50 pm

    Classic Kris.

    What more can I say?

  13. My Resolutions for 2007 December 31st, 2007 2:15 am

    […] Improve my skills at being a smart ass. […]