{"id":16380,"date":"2016-12-18T16:18:46","date_gmt":"2016-12-18T23:18:46","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.bloodhoundrealty.com\/BloodhoundBlog\/?p=16380"},"modified":"2018-02-03T06:57:26","modified_gmt":"2018-02-03T13:57:26","slug":"two-turtle-doves-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.bloodhoundrealty.com\/BloodhoundBlog\/16380\/two-turtle-doves-2\/","title":{"rendered":"Two Turtle Doves (revisited)"},"content":{"rendered":"

I was weathering a Category 1 hangover the day my big fat Vice President dropped by the office and found me asleep at my desk. He\u2019d come to personally deliver my Christmas bonus (a twenty-dollar bill stapled to a battery-operated Rudolph necktie) and to spread some holiday cheer to the few remaining insurance salesmen who hadn\u2019t already quit to pursue more lucrative door-to-door opportunities. To this day, I can\u2019t figure out why the fat man just didn\u2019t pull my plug right there on the spot.<\/p>\n

\u201cWake up Slick,\u201d he said between clenched teeth. \u201cTiz the season of our discontent. You got a punch bowl around here?\u201d<\/p>\n

I didn\u2019t answer, unsure if I could even open my mouth without hurling. My girlfriend had given me the boot a few days earlier and I\u2019d been on a 24\/7 gin-soaked tear ever since.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo? Then put on your new necktie, get your sorry ass over to K-Mart, and buy one,\u201d he said. He then ripped the crisp twenty from the blinking fabric, crumpled up it in his hammy fist, and bounced it off my forehead. \u201cThere, you can use your Christmas bonus to pay for it.\u201d<\/p>\n

I should have resigned right then and there but instead, I kept my head, splitting as it was, and did as I was told. I was the lowest ranked sales manager in the worst selling region in the country and it was only a matter of time before everyone…including the idiot standing before me…went down in corporate flames. You see, I may be a lot of messed-up things, but quitter isn\u2019t one of them. Especially when Unemployment Benefits are at stake. So I got in my car and dashed to K-Mart, necktie flashing all along the way.<\/p>\n

Twenty minutes later I found myself hovering in Housewares, neck sweating, head pounding, hangover slightly downgraded to tropical storm status, when a short, plump elderly woman approached me with a fistful of coupons. Alvin and those irritating chipmunks were singing that insidious song over the PA system.<\/p>\n

“I want to file a complaint,”\u00a0the woman said. \u201cYou don\u2019t have the Sunbeam Foot Soaker in stock. And it was Read more<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I was weathering a Category 1 hangover the day my big fat Vice President dropped by the office and found me asleep at my desk. He\u2019d come to personally deliver my Christmas bonus (a twenty-dollar bill stapled to a battery-operated Rudolph necktie) and to spread some holiday cheer to the few remaining insurance salesmen who […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":26,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_crdt_document":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[],"class_list":{"0":"post-16380","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"hentry","6":"category-real-estate","8":"no-featured-image"},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":12134,"url":"https:\/\/www.bloodhoundrealty.com\/BloodhoundBlog\/12134\/mary-canary-on-her-way-to-feed-the-pigeons\/","url_meta":{"origin":16380,"position":0},"title":"Mary Canary on her way to feed the pigeons","author":"Greg Swann","date":"June 2, 2010","format":false,"excerpt":"A Ramblin' Gamblin' Willie story \"I married myself a quiet man. He told me so himself, many times. When he was drunk, he'd shout it to the world.\" Mary Canary said that. She says stuff like that just to make sure no one's listening. And no one on the bus\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Big Mother"","block_context":{"text":"Big Mother","link":"https:\/\/www.bloodhoundrealty.com\/BloodhoundBlog\/category\/big-mother\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":14556,"url":"https:\/\/www.bloodhoundrealty.com\/BloodhoundBlog\/14556\/heres-looking-at-you-kid\/","url_meta":{"origin":16380,"position":1},"title":"Any Chance You’re Holding A Fun-House Mirror?","author":"Sean Purcell","date":"May 10, 2011","format":false,"excerpt":"\"Let's see: short sleeve, button down shirt with yellow plaid design: check. Power red necktie, wide, hanging half way down my ample belly: check. Name tag with alphabet soup of certifications, right side up and cleaned of (most of) last night's pasta sauce: check. Roger Rocket - real estate superman\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Casual Friday"","block_context":{"text":"Casual Friday","link":"https:\/\/www.bloodhoundrealty.com\/BloodhoundBlog\/category\/casual-friday\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":4171,"url":"https:\/\/www.bloodhoundrealty.com\/BloodhoundBlog\/4171\/were-eating-ourselves\/","url_meta":{"origin":16380,"position":2},"title":"We’re eating ourselves","author":"Geno Petro","date":"September 1, 2008","format":false,"excerpt":"I was installing a new Genie garage door opener one Friday evening on my very first house back in 1980-whatever. Basking in 'pride of ownership' and eager to.... Pause. Deep breath. Now, let's be honest Mr Petro... (inner voice) Okay. Let me begin again: I was spending an entire weekend\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Real Estate"","block_context":{"text":"Real Estate","link":"https:\/\/www.bloodhoundrealty.com\/BloodhoundBlog\/category\/real-estate\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":12885,"url":"https:\/\/www.bloodhoundrealty.com\/BloodhoundBlog\/12885\/waiting-for-higgs-boson\/","url_meta":{"origin":16380,"position":3},"title":"Waiting for Higgs Boson","author":"Geno Petro","date":"October 20, 2010","format":false,"excerpt":"Dark matter can be a bitch.\u00a0\u00a0And I mean this in the politest of\u00a0ways; a mere postmodern posing\u00a0of the\u00a0generational Petro\/Girard \u00a0family tenet, 'in a hundred years it will all be over.'\u00a0 Anything after that, please, draw your own conclusions. I'm speaking as a\u00a0 self-actualized moving part of an economic algorithm (and\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Real Estate"","block_context":{"text":"Real Estate","link":"https:\/\/www.bloodhoundrealty.com\/BloodhoundBlog\/category\/real-estate\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":10096,"url":"https:\/\/www.bloodhoundrealty.com\/BloodhoundBlog\/10096\/when-youve-got-your-health-youve-got-everything\/","url_meta":{"origin":16380,"position":4},"title":"When you’ve got your health, you’ve got everything…","author":"Greg Swann","date":"October 15, 2009","format":false,"excerpt":"A Ramblin' Gamblin' Willie story Here's what happened: I had to stop walking because I was sick. You may not know it, but on top of all the other scourges it entails, the state really has it in for itinerants. You may never have wanted to run off to Alabama\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Big Mother"","block_context":{"text":"Big Mother","link":"https:\/\/www.bloodhoundrealty.com\/BloodhoundBlog\/category\/big-mother\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":10856,"url":"https:\/\/www.bloodhoundrealty.com\/BloodhoundBlog\/10856\/2010-mortgage-broker-renaissance\/","url_meta":{"origin":16380,"position":5},"title":"2010 Mortgage Broker Renaissance","author":"Brian Brady","date":"January 14, 2010","format":false,"excerpt":"Is the business of broking mortgage loans dead?\u00a0 About two years ago, Morgan Brown predicted our demise on Blown Mortgage.\u00a0 His conclusion was that the industry would need a scapegoat for the poor lending practices and that \"blaming\" mortgage brokers was convenient (and not necessarily fair).\u00a0 His conclusion suggested that\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Big Mother"","block_context":{"text":"Big Mother","link":"https:\/\/www.bloodhoundrealty.com\/BloodhoundBlog\/category\/big-mother\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.bloodhoundrealty.com\/BloodhoundBlog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16380","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.bloodhoundrealty.com\/BloodhoundBlog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.bloodhoundrealty.com\/BloodhoundBlog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.bloodhoundrealty.com\/BloodhoundBlog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/26"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.bloodhoundrealty.com\/BloodhoundBlog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=16380"}],"version-history":[{"count":12,"href":"https:\/\/www.bloodhoundrealty.com\/BloodhoundBlog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16380\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":16563,"href":"https:\/\/www.bloodhoundrealty.com\/BloodhoundBlog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16380\/revisions\/16563"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.bloodhoundrealty.com\/BloodhoundBlog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=16380"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.bloodhoundrealty.com\/BloodhoundBlog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=16380"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.bloodhoundrealty.com\/BloodhoundBlog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=16380"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}